Interview: Plastic Bottlecap

Me: Hi. Thanks for doing this.

Plastic Bottlecap: [No response.]

M: You’re a bottlecap from a bottle of Poland Spring, is that right?

PB: I… bottlecap?

M: That’s right, you’re a bottlecap. I removed you from a…

PB [interrupting]: Bottlecap. I am bottlecap.

M: Absolutely, yes. You’re a bottlecap, and I’m interviewing you.

PB: You… are bottlecap?

M: Me? No, I’m a person.

PB: Person is not bottlecap?

M: That’s correct. I’m a person, and you’re a bottlecap, and those are different things.

PB: Bottlecap is… greater than person?

M: Is a bottlecap greater than a person? Well, no, a person is greater than a bottlecap. A bottlecap is made by a person. Or, I guess, made by a machine that’s made by a person.

PB: Person is maker of bottlecap?

M: Yes.

PB: You are maker of me?

M: Not specifically, but I guess, yes, in a larger sense, I made you.

PB: What does person wish bottlecap to do?

M: I wish you to answer some questions.

PB: I will.

M: Okay, great. When they first started really hard-selling bottled water, ten or fifteen years ago, I thought it was just for suckers and dangerously dehydrated people. I mean, come on… paying a buck or two for water? It just seemed silly. But now, of course, I buy bottled water all the time. Do you think that’s more of a comment about me, or about society in general?

PB: [No response.]

M: What do you think about that?

PB: [No response.]

M: Are you going to answer me?

PB: Person is angry with bottlecap?

M: No, I’m not angry, I’m just trying to interview you, and you aren’t answering my questions.

PB: Bottlecap wants to answer questions. Questions are strange to bottlecap.

M: Well, these are the questions I have. Can you at least try to answer them?

PB: Yes.

M: Great, thanks. What do you think about recycling? Does it actually help, or is it just a band-aid?

PB: Recycling?

M: That’s where you get melted down and formed into other kinds of plastic products. Recycled. To help the environment.

PB: Plastic products?

M: Yeah. Look, I can see that this isn’t working. I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll leave you alone now.

PB: Now bottlecap will be recycled and formed into other kinds of plastic products?

M: Eventually. I’ll put you in the bin the next time I get up to take a leak.

PB: It will hurt? Recycling? It will cause bottlecap pain?

M: No. You can’t feel pain. Don’t worry about it.

PB: Bottlecap will not worry about it.

M: Okay.

PB: Farewell, person.

M: Yeah. Farewell.

PB: Was bottlecap good?

M: What?

PB: Was bottlecap good?

M: Yeah, sure. Bottlecap was good.

AND ALL WAS SILENCE

Tags: bottlecap, bottled water, environment, interview, plastic, Poland Spring, recycling